Thursday, October 28, 2010

Sometimes there is change and I resist

Toki doki is sometimes in Japanese. Sometimes I don't want to do what I am supposed to do. Right now I am supposed to go to a meeting at school. I do not want to go there. Sometimes I just want to stay home and be by myself. Sometimes. Why don't more people riot against all these mandatory things that suck up time? I guess it is for the greater good- we work on things together and create harmony and agreement by meeting and discussing ways to accomplish our tasks. I think I just don't buy into all of the tasks all of the time. There is value in tasks I don't like to do- cleaning, cooking, keeping order, etc., I just can't get motivated to do them everyday, every time.

Today I feel ambivalent about our house selling- today is the actual closing. I really thought we would go back. I guess we still will but as visitors and not back to the neighborhood and friends. It is cutting a tie that I didn't expect. Cutting that tie has loosened me up so that I feel ungrounded. I don't like to feel so loose and floaty. I like being grounded. I am an earthy person I think- some of my favorites are mountain views, water falls, smelling the leaves, walking through gardens. All this air is too much today. Sometimes I need to feel attached.

It is hard to feel attached when living abroad. The military groups of people stationed where you are and when you are rotate and move along. In the outside (foreign) community you have lots of barriers- language, cultural, etc. It is rewarding and enriching, but attachment is lacking or feeling rooted or connected somehow. A vague longing is there for a connection to a place that doesn't change where the people don't constantly leave. I have had it for many years lurking, but it only comes up when there is discussion of moving. I think selling the house is sort of like moving- it was a constant that I will miss.

Now, right here now, I should probably go to that meeting even if I can't understand the conversation and have no input. It will show everyone that I support having a graduation party for the children. I remember my kindergarten graduation- at least I remember I had to sing a song for it with twin boys that I couldn't tell apart. I remember drinking grape juice and eating graham crackers. I remember trying to curl my tongue like all of my friends- I couldn't do it so well. I learned years later that curling one's tongue is a genetic thing- it has to be in the genes.

Toki doki sometimes we just have to do stuff.