Monday, January 18, 2016

A Chimera

As a child, I was curious about faraway places. I stared a images in National Geographic for hours wondering how would it really be? I also really wanted to go to the mermaid lagoon in my Peter Pan picture book.

I got to a few places around the globe, some in National Geographic; I lived abroad for a decade and traveled. 

Now, I'm curious about what's inside, what's accumulated or what's always been there, but has only just been excavated. Oh, that's exciting stuff.

It's hard to find the inside stuff, you have to practically wander into it. I read a lot, ask questions, and write bits of it down. I'm not sure what I'm doing with it, but I like having notes and random thoughts on papers in various notebooks. When I take the time to explore my notes, sometimes I come up empty handed, other times, I gain an insight. Sometimes I perplex myself- contradictions like when I realize something I thought to be true, isn't true anymore.

I value positivity, but in my darkest moments it fails me every time. I still pursue it but not relentlessly because it's not the thing I'm after.

The thing I'm after, curiously, keeps changing, a chimera.